Pepsi Lives Matter // The Revolution Will Be Sponsored

You know the old saying that the revolution will be televised? Apparently there’ll be commercial breaks featuring misguided Pepsi adverts. And oh boy is this one a corker.

We see a protest. A bunch of skinny millennials are happily meandering down the street wearing blue, carrying blue signs. Why do they all look like models? They must be drinking Diet Pepsi I guess. They hold signs saying vague platitudes like “Join The Conversation.” Which conversation exactly? One about the rising levels of diabetes or something else? Also, why does it look like they put an O in front of the word conversation? Can they not spell? If this an ironic message about poor literacy levels? It doesn’t look like they’re protesting anything other than the existence of other colours other than blue. Seriously, pussy hats are one thing, but for everyone to be wearing / holding the exact same shade of Pepsi blue seems a bit silly.

It gets sillier.


The march continues; the protesters don’t exactly look determined or ready to fight the system. Really they’re just laughing, walking a bit and dancing. Revolutions are easy guys! Just wear the same colour and dance in the street a bit. That’ll show them.

Adjacent to the protest, Kendall Jenner is mid-photoshoot. Apparently, they couldn’t afford a closed set. I’d like to say that she looks distracted from the photoshoot, but honestly, all of her modelling career shots look like she’s both distracted and dead behind the eyes, so business as normal for Kendall Jenner. She catches the eye of a protester, and something changes. Not in her expression, that remains blank as ever, but the direction and cinematography tell me that she’s suddenly woke. She “joins the conversation,” taking off her blonde wig and handing it to a black woman, and in one swoop wiping off her lipstick. As we all know, real activists don’t wear lipstick. I almost got kicked out of the Women’s March for wearing lipstick. If only this advert had come sooner. Thanks Kendall Jenner.

As we all know, Kendall Jenner is well known for being outspoken about social issues:


Whoops, maybe not.

Regardless, thanks to this protest / street party / random assortment of skinny enthusiastic people, she’s woke now. She even found time to change into a blue outfit (you know, priorities). At the front of the protest line, she picks up a Pepsi; in an iconic shot Kendall Jenner, straight-backed and proud, hands the most attractive police member a Pepsi. The risk is undeniable. For this rich white woman to go up to a cop in the middle of a protest truly is an incomparable act of defiance. Kendall Jenner is the Martin Luther King Jr of our time. He may have had a dream, but Kendall Jenner had a Pepsi, and really what’s better? Gosh, I can only think of the number of ways that could have gone wrong.


Racism is solved, police brutality is no longer an issue, Trump is out of the White House, Brexit is over, systematic inequalities are gone, my skin has cleared up, my depression is gone; Kendall Jenner and Pepsi have taught the world to sing in perfect harmony. Pepsi lives matter.

(Coke lives are trash and deserve what they get).

Meanwhile, on a hilltop in California


Oh, turns out that following some brutal mockery, Pepsi have pulled the ad in less than 24 hours. Sorry guys, racism is still a thing.

*Full disclosure, I was drinking a Coke while writing this.