Merry Christmas Have A Shitty Rock In A Shitty Bag


As the Holiday season looms upon us, we start to consider how best to show our appreciation to the ones we love in the most materialistic way possible. It’s been a tough year for everyone; icons have died, movies have been shit, on either side of the pond we’ve suffered through political fuckery. Why not show the ones you love that you care with an $85 rock in a bag.

No really. Since the middle of November, Nordstrom (fancy American department store – like even fancier than House of Frasers!) have been selling a rock in a bag for $85. I feel like I’m not really doing the product justice, so I’ll just let Nordstrom sum it up:

“A paperweight? A Conversation piece? A work of art? It’s up to you.”

It’s a rock in a bag

“This smooth Los Angeles-area stone — wrapped in rich, vegetable-tanned American leather secured by sturdy contrast whipstitching — is sure to draw attention wherever it rests.”

It’s a rock in a bag.

“A traditional hardening process gives the leather a beautiful ombré effect. Like all Made Solid pieces, this one is cut, shaped, sewn and finished by hand in artist Peter Maxwell’s Los Angeles studio.”


It’s a rock in a bag, it’s a rock in a bag, it’s a rock in a bag! It’s not even a nice bag, you can’t use it for anything else - it’s tailored specifically to this singular rock. Sorry, this singular smooth Los Angeles-area stone. I mean I get it, I’m one of the most pretentious bitches I know. Before I do anything, I ask if it matches the aesthetic. I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of money on candles. I have a Christmas Tree ornament despite never having had a Christmas Tree. I bought the latest David Bowie album even though a) I’d already downloaded it, and b) I don’t own a CD player, but at a certain point it gets ridiculous, and I feel like the point is a rock in a bag.

It sold out. Obviously.

“A paperweight? A Conversation piece? A work of art? It’s up to you.”

Maybe it is a work of art. If anything, maybe it’s the work of art that sums up 2016 – this has been a terrible year and it’s the perfect representation. Look at it, it’s ugly, it’s useless, it’s overpriced. It’s exactly what we deserve. We laughed about Brexit – it would never happen there’s no need to take it so seriously. Wouldn’t it be dumb if we actually voted to leave the EU? I mean who’s listening to this racist rhetoric anyway! We laughed at Trump. We wanted to see what more crazy shenanigans he’d get himself into – what will he say next? Why watch movies when the actual news was turning out to be more entertaining (I mean Batman V Superman? Come on now). And secretly we all wanted him to win the Republican Nomination? Way back then, we didn’t think it would happen, but Trump would be an easy candidate to beat, and we’d have loved to see him get defeated. Nobody thought it would get this far right?


Well, he’s going to be the President in January, Britain is leaving the EU and here’s a rock in a bag. We deserve this bagged rock. We deserve the disappointment because we made all this happen. While Aleppo continues to crumble, so too does democratic capitalism as a billionaire declared himself man of the working class, and we wasted our money on a rock in a bag. There will be more rocks in bags, there will be more Kanye West plain white T-shirts for $100, people will continue to non-ironically read Goop and I, like everyone else, will continue to throw money at bullshit to distract myself from how awful everything is.

And thus, this is how the world ends; not with a bang but with a fucking $85 rock in a bag.

Fucking do it. Buy this shitty rock in a shitty bag and beat yourself with it so that you can be free from this never ending nightmare that is 2016.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to stock up on anti-depressants before the apocalypse starts. Happy Holidays!