A Love Letter to My Body After Miscarriage

by Anna See-Jachowski. CW: reproductive and medical trauma.

photo by Hanna Postova

photo by Hanna Postova

Dearest Body of Mine,

I love you. 
I am working to release 
My fear of you. 
Of your not-enough-ness. 
But I am simultaneously in 
Awe of you. 
Of your ability to 
Bounce back, 
Your Resilience, 
Your resolve to survive 
And Live. 
I’m inspired by the way you connect 
To my Intuition-
Knowing when my mind does not 
How to release, let go, start anew. 
Tears flow when my brain cannot say why but 
The cavity of my chest, of my uterus, has been trying to tell me for days. 
Even if Rest does not come easily to you, 
That’s actually my brain’s fault, 
Capitalism’s fault. 
My bad. 
I love you.

I am admitting to the Shadow, too. 
The work that needs done:
I am working on my anger towards you,
for rejecting the tiny body I loved so much, 
their Daddy loved so much, 
that those we love 
already loved 
So much. 
I love you. 
I am trying to remember that 
the abuse you suffered at the ultrasound appointment 
Was not your fault, and that when I am 
good and ready 
I am allowed to release that rage. 
So that it doesn’t fester inside of us, inside my heart, 
Where the infection of revenge once set in, a long time ago. 
I love you.

Instead, my beautiful Body, 
I will do my best to walk through the darkness 
Of my empty, raw womb. 
So that I can reclaim what is mine. 
I love you.

Thank you Crown, for keeping me connected to Source, to remind me of my own 
Thank you Third Eye, for opening wide 
in warning. 
Thank you Throat, for speaking truth to my Body’s power, and power to the truth
That I am both crushed and hopeful,
Sad and smiling, 
Furious and gracious.
Thank you Heart, for becoming 
so big and wide for my sweet baby to come in 
So that when they float back down, 
I love myself as much as I will love them. 
Thank you Solar Plexus for the confidence 
Of knowing that I can survive all of this, and that I will start again stronger. 
Thank you, Sacrum, for holding me steady 
And keeping me safe, despite the chaos that raged within for hours 
Of blood, and cramping cringing pain, 
Of death. 
And thank you, Root. 
Thank you for planting my feet firmly into the 
Earth, to ensure that after winter 
comes re-growth, 
I love you.

You can read more of Anna’s poetry published by Boshemia here.