Since You Asked: Being Seen Is Not a Comfortable Business
by Patrice Lockhart. Patrice’s column, “Since You Asked,” responds to questions from Boshemia readers. You can read her previous essays here.
Dear Since You Asked,
My wife is asking a lot of me these days. She says she “doesn’t feel seen.” I have no idea what she means, and it makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?
—Stumped Guy
Have a question for Patrice? Send it our way at info@boshemiamagazine.com for a chance to be featured in her next advice column.
Dear Stumped,
Your question is one that is familiar for a lot of us. Let’s talk about “uncomfortable.”
When I go about a typical day, I’m pretty comfortable. I wake up, I do a bit of yoga, I have a date with my husband at 7:30 am to talk about whatever is important to one or both of us. It’s a steady start to the day. Did we get to this pattern by staying comfortable? Don’t make me laugh.
Comfortable means a lot of things. Pleasant. Familiar. Steady. Stagnant.
Uh oh.
We, my Merman and I, didn’t get to a rhythm of connecting with each other by being comfortable. We make a daily commitment to everything but. It is a frigging mess. He hates it more than I do, so I appreciate his bravery.
So what can you do, Stumped Guy?
Here are a few specific things:
You can get curious. If you don’t know what your wife means when she seems to speak a foreign and unintelligible language, you can ask what she means. Repeatedly. And then, proceed as if her instructions are the most important thing in the world to your relationship. Which they actually are.
You can dig into your memory drawers and look for times when you, yourself, have felt unseen. Were you an older brother, trying to follow your parents’ lead and feeling pressure heaped on your head? Were you a younger sib, picked on by the big kids? Did anybody friggin listen to you at all? For most of us, we were trying to fit in, and shy of that, we covered up and lost track of the pain of “not being seen.” There is a price for this.
You can convey all of the above to your precious and impatient wife, maybe join a men’s group or see a therapist, and have lots more to bring to your marriage.
You can be proud of yourself for being asked a lot of. It means you are valued.
Rooting for you and all confused souls stepping into a growing phase!
With love,
The wise old crone also known as Patrice
